Here No More
by flawless-captain-swan
Summary: LD modern AU. Very angsty.


**So I know this isn't the third chapter of _Never Let Go_ but I couldn't help myself. Somehow my very morbid brain decided to come up with this idea while listening to Taylor Swift's _All Too Well_. And I kinda have a writer's block when it comes to _Never Let Go._**

 **Warning, this is really very** **angsty. I cried when this idea occurred to me and then again while writing it. So you are warned.**

* * *

 _ **Here No More**_

She shouldn't be here.

Or, actually, she did not _deserve_ to be here. Not after everything she put him through. Not after doing the one thing she vowed to never do.

She was about to turn back and drive away to Boston when the tear-stained letter in her hand grabbed her attention. Her right hand immediately reached for the ring she wore on _that_ left finger to seek comfort. She _had_ to do this. He deserved that much.

Mind made, she walked past the towering iron gates with a straightened back and a resolve in her step. She walked for about three minutes before stopping abruptly at the sight that greeted her.

 _Of course they would be here_ , she chided herself mentally for not preparing for the scene I front of her. Though his back was facing her, she could easily make out the brown curls and towering frame of Liam Jones. His shoulders were shaking in what could either be laughter or tears. But the sight of Elsa's blond head thrown back in obvious joy proved it to be option one.

She couldn't possibly go there when they were there. She had no right to invade their privacy. Her eyes darted around searching for a place to hide. She spied a couple of trees to her left which could shield her from Liam and Elsa's eyes and she quickly made her way there.

While she was a bit disappointed that she could not just get this thing over and done with, she was glad for the extra amount of time it awarded her to prepare herself just a tiny bit more. _Yes, because two years is not nearly enough time to prepare yourself Emma_ , she thought sarcastically.

Hidden behind the huge tree, she let her mind wander to the happier times when everything was amazing.

* * *

 _They met at the bookstore she had discovered when she first started college. It was hidden away in a rarely frequented street between an obnoxious hipster café and an ancient costume store. While 'Once Upon A Time' was a bit cheesy for her taste, she found herself drawn to the seemingly ordinary bookstore. The minute she stepped inside, she knew that she wouldn't be able to live without it. It was cozy and reminded her of her mother's embrace and her father's soothing words as they tried to chase away the scars of a nightmare unknown._

 _The shelves were dark wood polished to perfection. Every shelf had at least a hundred different universes that she could lose herself in. The corners were littered with comfy looking chairs in various shades of green and red. She just_ knew _that this is place she would go to seek comfort in, the place that will provide her with an anchor when life got too much._

 _Three years later and she still came here whenever life was being a bitch and college was kicking her ass. For some reason she loved to check out the Harry Potter books and their new cover pages even though she had a box set sitting neatly on her shelf at the apartment she shared with Ariel. Their hands brushed each other's when they reached for the same copy of Prisoner of Azkaban. It was the most clichéd and cheesy first meeting_ ever _(but somehow that made her love it even more)._

 _They laughed at the absurdity of the situation and introduced themselves to each other ("I'm Emma, by the way." "It has been a pleasure to make your acquaintance, milady, my name is Killian.") After debating over which Hogwarts house was the best ("Honestly Killian, Gryffindor can kick Hufflepuff's ass any given day." "You are sorely mistaken, love. Us Hufflepuffs are the most hardworking of the lot. We can easily kick some lion's arse." "You are way too British for me to have this conversation seriously." "I feel like that was a thinly veiled insult there, lass."), he asked her out on a date and the rest, as they say, is history._

* * *

She shook her head at the memory of their first meeting. The scarf around her neck ( _his scarf_ , her traitorous mind retorted), reminded her of that very first week when they got lost while trying to find her cousin Belle's new apartment but didn't care as they were too busy singing along with Maroon 5 on the radio. She almost ran the red light that day because she was too busy marveling over the fact that _Killian Jones was actually dating her, Emma Nolan_. (She desperately tries to forget about his second letter that asked her to remember that day and to _please_ give him another chance; to try to find the magic of that day again. The letter that told her that he wrote three months after their breakup. The letter that told her that he is okay but he isn't fine. She tries to forget it because otherwise she would breakdown again and _she needs to do this_ ). He was wearing the beautiful navy blue scarf that only managed to make his eyes even more mesmerizing. He accidentally left it behind at Belle's apartment when they had to hurry to make it back in time to the party Ariel was throwing to celebrate Eric's birthday. It was the only thing of his that she hadn't mailed back (because she was too much of a coward to physically give him back all the sweatshirts and t-shirts of his that she had hoarded over the span of 18 months) to him after the breakup. Everything else was too painful to hold on to.

She let herself picture his wide-eyed gaze, windswept hair and carefree smile from that first time he took her sailing aboard the _Jolly Roger_ before peeking from around the tree to see if Liam and Elsa had left. She sighed heavily on discovering that they hadn't. Liam was wrapped around Elsa, while she seemed to be holding onto him as if he was the only thing keeping her upright. The scene in front of her tugged at her heart. She hadn't talked to either of them for almost three years.

* * *

 _She remembers the first time she met Liam and Elsa Jones. It was Christmas and her parents had decided to invite the Jones family to spend it with them when they discovered that the Jones boys were orphans. Though David and Mary Margaret Nolan hadn't met this mysterious Killian Jones who had managed to capture the heart of their baby girl, they knew they approved of him on the sheer amount of happiness that tinged Emma's voice every time she talked about him. She had been a bit nervous when she asked him to invite his family to Storybrooke for Christmas, but the look in his bright blue eyes made it worth it._

 _And so, Emma made her way from Boston to Storybrooke, Maine with one Killian Jones only to find his brother and sister-in-law chatting with her parents like they were old friends when she reached home. Liam and Elsa Jones quickly became the brother and sister she never had. She remembered how she told him_ everything _about her past – every single tiny detail – under the cover of darkness in her twin-sized bed because she knew, even then, that her life won't be the same anymore, that Killian Jones came like a hurricane out of nowhere and turned her entire world upside down. And even when her mother started telling them all her childhood stories and her (very) brief career in the tee-ball team while Killian and Liam laughed like it was the most hilarious thing ever and Elsa tried to save her from further drowning in embarrassment by trying (rather unsuccessfully) to smother her giggles, she knew that she wouldn't trade it for the world._

 _The subsequent nights in their respective apartments and the impromptu dancing parties in the middle of the night only managed to cement the fact that over a short span of time Killian Jones and his family had become an invaluable part of her world._

* * *

(She also tries to forget about that painful voicemail that he left six months after their breakup, his voice slurring – most likely due to the entire bottle of rum he had downed previously – as he told her how _for the first time in six months_ he went about his day without thinking about her once and how it all hit him like a freight train when he came home to their picture on the mantle. She tries to keep her heart from breaking a bit as she remembers how he told her that _he forgot about her long enough to forget why he needed to_. She also tries to keep her fingers from reaching in her pocket and taking her phone out to listen to his voice once again.)

The sound of leaves crunching snaps her out of her reverie and she looks up long enough to see Elsa and Liam make their way to their car. She tries to calm her wildly beating heart as she finds herself alone and with no more distractions to help her procrastinate. She takes a deep breath and starts making her way to her destination.

(She tries to forget his fifth letter which told her that _she_ was the reason they ended the way they did. The one that said that he wondered everyday since the breakup why she did it and that he thought it was because of him, that maybe he asked her for too much. The one where he accused her of running away because she was scared, of ruining the beautiful masterpiece that was their relationship.)

(She also tries to forget that he wrote that letter after she called him drunk off her ass and spouted some bullshit about him being _unlovable_ because she was regretting the breakup and wanted to feel good somehow. She tries to forget how she broke down crying after ending the phone call and how she tried to gather the courage to call him the next day and apologize but couldn't.)

(She tries to ignore the way he called her a coward for being so casually cruel in the name of being honest in the letter.)

(She tries to forget it all, just like she tries – _miserably_ – to forget that he apologized in his next letter and said he did not think she was a coward.)

She stopped as she reached her destination and started to read his last letter to her again. He talked about how the time has stopped flying and it feels like he has been paralyzed by it in the letter. He told her how he misses their plaid shirt days that they spent on his boat, enjoying the day and each other and how he misses the nights when they showed how much they loved each other through their bodies. He told her how he is not the same and how he tried to find his old self again in those first few months only to realize that that Killian Jones is lost forever. He told her that he knows that she still has his scarf from that very first week, and that he is going to see that as a sign that they could be together again. She wiped away the tears in her eyes to read the last paragraph of his letter.

 _"_ _Liam once told me that a man unwilling to fight for what he wants, deserves what he gets. I want you Emma Nolan and I refuse to let you go without a fight. But I also know that pushing you into something you are not ready for will only lead to you running away. So I am going to wait. But don't you even dare think for a second that I am giving up on you, love. I know you are scared, love, but one day you won't be. And when you finally decide to stop running and look behind, I will be there. I will_ _ **always**_ _be there, Emma. And that is why I am giving you my mother's ring, to remind you that I will always be there for you, love. I love you Emma Nolan and I hope one day you will come back to me."_

"I am sorry it took me so long to come back, Killian. I am so sorry I did not read them earlier. I am sorry it took me two years to visit you here. I miss you Killian and I wish you could come back to me," she said to the black marble tombstone adorned with flowers that no doubt Liam and Elsa left there. She took out a single red rose from her coat and places it on top of the marble.

She reverently traced the words carved and lets out a teary chuckle.

 _Killian Andrew Jones_

 _1991-2013_

 _Beloved Brother_

 _To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure._

She tells him about everything that happened after they broke up. She tells him about the three years she spent backpacking around the world and how she fulfilled their dream of seeing the world.

(She does not tell him how she broke down crying after hearing the news of his death. She does not mention how she basically lived in the bottom of a Jack Daniels bottle for the better part of three months and entertained the idea of jumping off of the Eiffel tower. She does not tell him how she almost threw away his letters without opening them in those three months. And never mentions how cried and got drunk for five weeks all over again when she finally gathered the courage to open the letters only to realize that he was stabbed to death in a mugging gone wrong two months after sending the last letter.)

She leaves with the promise of visiting him again.

(She keeps her promise. She visits him every year without fail – first alone and then with her adopted son, Henry.)

(Nineteen years later when she dies in a boating accident two days after visiting him, Henry buries her right next to Killian.)

(Every year after that Henry visits his parents with his grandparents, Uncle Liam, Aunt Elsa and his three cousins.)


End file.
